Perpetually Stalled

Blue Rhino Review

2008-05-29T04:32:27Z

Well, it’s time for some more reviews. Unfortunately, monetary obligations have prevented me from the purchase of anything new lately. Fret not, though, loyal reader, for thanks to a friend, I was recently able to read the entire run of a series I’ve been waiting years to get into. So, here we go…

Transmetropolitan #1-60

I don’t know.

Given an overall impression, I’d guess I’d say I liked it (despite the impression you may get from what you are about to read). I don’t know that I’d ever read it again, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing (although quite certainly not a good thing). But there are highlights, and the story has a genuine feel of a coherent beginning, middle and end. Warren Ellis definitely knew where he was going with this story, or at least where he wanted to go, and he created an environment where that could happen naturally and, I don’t know, efficiently? That doesn’t sound very complimentary, but it’s meant to be. The story never feels forced, even though I get the impression that it definitely has its own deadlines to meet.

But enough with the compliments, let’s get to some criticism, right?

This book suffers more than anything else he’s written from being just too much Warren Ellis. Honestly, if I had read it from the start, he would have lost me in the first year. And although some throw-away comments in later issues kind of “justify” the first year of the book, if I had been there running along with it, I’d have never made it. It’s just Ellis spouting off, which, granted, can be interesting, but isn’t always so. It’s like an old friend of mine once said about Prince when he signed that 6 record deal, the guy was just putting out everything he wrote to get through it, and sure, some of it was brilliant, but most of it was just drivel. You should see some of the crap I write on a day-to-day basis (yeah, sorry, you’re actually getting the best of it. I know, I know, I’m sorry, ok?).

So you spend twelve issues just listening to Ellis bitch and moan. Wait. Shit. That’s all Blue Rhino Review is, isn’t it? Crap. Anyway, if you know Ellis, then you know it’s just all cyber-punk psycho-babble and half of it is undecipherable. It just gets old, fast. And you never get to meet our titular character, Spider Jerusalem, through almost all of it. Sure, he’s there, but not the Spider that eventually enters the pages of the book. We don’t once see the Spider that mourns the loss of Vera (a loss he never really gets over) or the Spider that thanks and kisses Yelena on the forehead (quite possibly the best moment in the entire run) or the Spider that leaves Liesl behind (quite possibly the saddest moment). It’s just “funny”, “wacky”, “gonzo” Spider that I’m sure caused Ellis no small amount of personal amusement as he vomited the frenzy of words out of his mind, onto the page and into Spider’s mouth.

Maybe some people think this is brilliant. I just find it kind of annoying and irrelevant, for the most part. It’s interested when incorporated into a story in some way, as Ellis often does in the brunt of his other work, but taken just straightforward and on the page, I found my mind wandering while I waited to get through all the fluff and into the heart of what I was reading.

But Ellis does all the right things you need in a story. Like I said above, there’s a definite beginning, middle and end. All of the characters grow. There’s conclusion for everyone. No one ever breaks mold. They all act, sound and react the way you’d think they would. There’s some definite twists, but you can also kind of see the layout of the land before you get there.

And none of those things make this book worth anything. Don’t get me wrong, because without them the book would not have been nearly as good. But what makes this book good is those odd nuggets when Ellis forgets story and plot and the big picture and gives us the little things that make everyone human. The moments I mentioned above and a handful of other ones, scattered throughout its sixty issues, are what really makes Transmet worth reading. You need all the rest so that they mean that much more, but it’s those moments that are worth the price of admission.

And so I’ve gone against every other Warren Ellis fanatic alive by deciding that what I liked about Transmet were the quiet moments, when we got to slow down for a minute and meet each character for a minute, instead of just reading about them.

Product Brand X's day to shine

2008-05-09T22:27:06Z

I’ve got some good news for you, Product Brand X.

You’re clever marketing campaign has paid off. The witty commercials you put on television really got to me. Those colorful ads I saw in the magazines I frequent like People and GQ and Teen People really worked.

When a twenty-something in a fancy new suit told the board of directors that this new market strategy he came up with will “really fool some suckers out there”, he was absolutely right. I’m that sucker, and I’ve been fooled. Hook, line and sinker.

I’m not going to think about the bills I have to pay or the mortgage payment I can’t miss or the debt collectors, breathing down my neck. Because that’s not what America is about. That’s not the dream I had growing up in my affluent suburb, with good schooling, a fantastic public library system and a variety of other public works all at arms length. The dream I had was you, Product Brand X. It will always be you.

But what’s the good news, you’re asking? Well, let me tell you.

George Bush stimulated me today.

And now I’m coming for you, Product Brand X. I’m coming for you.

Blue Rhino Review

2008-04-19T22:41:29Z

I’m already three martinis in to what is obviously a seven martini day, so I apologize if the following reviews get a little snarky. I don’t think they will, but one never knows…

Daredevil #106

All right, all right, I know I told you last time that Criminal is the best Brubaker you can get right now, but this issue might just disprove that theory. Some of that may have to do with the amazingly beautiful art of Paul Azaceta, who guest pencil’s this issue, but a lot of it still has to do with the fact that Ed Brubaker is just a damn good writer.

Daredevil has suffered loss after loss after loss for, well, basically ever. And there have been many great stories where he suffers through those losses and reasserts himself that have come before (the Miller/Azzurello run from the eighties, anyone?). But this is a damn fine issue where we don’t know if the hero is coming back or if he’s finally going to break. I guess that’s been the theme of the entire Brubaker run, but this issue really bats that concept out of the park, as we see his friends hoping, almost hopelessly, that he’ll come back, but knowing that for the first time, he just may not.

Loveless #23

I just don’t get this comic book. I loved the whole first “run”, “arc”, whatever you’d call it. But I’m still confused since it’s been about ten issues since the lead got killed, and two now since I’ve even come close to understanding what’s going on.

I enjoy Azzarello’s odd style of writing, with all of its cleverness. But I only enjoy it when I still have the faintest concept of just what the hell is going on. This issue (and the last, but not as much as this one) have completely lost me. And I swear, if things don’t pick up in the next five issues or so, I’ll bitch for the following six before I actually drop the book.

All Star Superman #10

You just don’t get much better than this book. From the first page of issue one (in which Morrisson was basically able to dissect the essence of Superman down into one page, four panels), I’ve been hooked. But the last panel in the tenth issue of this stunning series just blew me away. Never has Superman’s iconic nature (iconasy?) been more well portrayed than in those last moments. By far the best tribute to Siegel and Shuster one will ever see, and yes, I am saying that for the future as well. It doesn’t get better than this.

The New Avengers #39

Fuck you, Bendis. That’s right, I’m saying it. I didn’t sleep through this one like I did Secret Invasion, but man do I wish I would have.

The Twelve #4

I’m starting to think that maybe J. Michael Straczynski isn’t actually a writer. I think he might have just fooled us with a few shining moments. Just like the Spin Doctors.

That’s right, I brought up the Spin Doctors.

Maybe those martinis are taking more effect than I thought, because that’s all I’ve really got for you. No real snark, at least no more than usual. Actually, kind of boring. Sorry about that.

Blue Rhino Review

2008-04-17T22:59:30Z

Jumping Jesus, can it be true? Can the Blue Rhino Review really be back? I thought the guy behind it all was too busy sipping Parisian coffee while following more intellectual pursuits. Could it be that he just hasn’t written one in a while?

Well, some of it had to do with money and my distinct lack of it, and some of it had to do with all the time I spend trying to write crappy plays that no one ever comes to see, but most of it is that I’m just a lazy fuck. I’ll try and be better.

I have been purchasing the occasional comic when I find the urge unbearable. Let’s take a look at some of my most recent pulls…

The Walking Dead #48

I think I’ve finally figured out what’s wrong with this book, and it’s not just that I can’t stand Robert Kirkman. It’s that he’s pretending to write a character-driven piece when, in the end, all it really is is a plot-driven work. All of the complaints I’ve had in the past about how the characters will suddenly lose their own voice in order to drive some point home all makes sense now. I know, I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out, either.

Now, the plot isn’t half bad. Kirkman has his moments, despite being a total ass-hat. Some of the twists and turns have been interesting, but the thing is, he sees the whole story. He knows where we’re going next. And his work suffers for it, or more importantly, his characters suffer for it. They don’t live in Kirkman’s head, they don’t have their own voices whispering things in his ears at night. They just do what he tells them to do, and when he can’t figure out how to explain some “really cool” thing that he wants his readers to appreciate for his brilliance in coming up with it, he steals their voices and just tells us “oh, yeah, look at this, I mean, really, look at it, how smart am I? I’m so smart.”

So fuck you, Kirkman. I’ve got you figured out.

But overall, I’m actually kind of starting to enjoy elements of this book.

Casanova #13

“I come from the future to save you from boring.”

Really, if that line didn’t sell you on this whole book right there, then Casanova might not be the book for you. But if it hit you the same way that it hit me, then stop reading my stupid thoughts on this fantastic book and go out there and start spending $1.99 a month on the greatest thing to happen to comic books since, well, ever, I guess.

Fantastic Four #556

Do you remember back when Mark Millar used to be a writer? You know, before he spent all day navel-gazing and crunching numbers on how much more his book is selling than yours? I sure do miss those days.

A giant robot that can beat up anyone. A whole new planet that we can go to live on when our planet dies. Hot chicks in their underwear. I liked this whole story a lot more when I came up with it back when I was like ten.

And all I can imagine is Mark Millar, sitting at his computer and giggling while he writes all these “witty” lines that every character seems to have. It’s like my complaint with the book Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (which, up until now, you probably haven’t heard before since I’ve never really vocalized the complaint in any way), but, really, no one’s that “on” all the goddam time. I am the shining star in that beacon of truth. Every line, every comeback, every observation does not have to be the most brilliant thing ever spoken up until this point. Sometimes it can just be dialogue for dialogues sake, to fill in those spots between the good stuff so you’re not just eating frosting all day long.

Ultimate X-Men #92

More Robert Kirkman madness.

This is what it’s all been leading up to? This is his penultimate take on the Ultimate X-Universe? The rise of the Phoenix? Why can’t these writers just leave well enough alone? Mark Millar (this is back in those good Mark Millar days) told the best Phoenix story that could have been told in the Ultimate Universe way back in, like, issue 30. It was good. It had a beginning, middle and an end. It was startling satisfying for a character that has been beaten into the ground in the good ole 616 Marvel Universe.

But no, no, Kirkman’s got a better story to tell. You know, that one that Chris Claremont already told back in the eighties. Where Jean Grey tries and tries to keep it in, but so much baggage keeps getting heaped onto her that she eventually breaks and let’s the fowl beast out. And here’s the shocker of the whole thing, even for me, but goddammit if Chris Claremont didn’t actually write it better.

What?!? NO! It’s not possible. Did I just compliment Chris Claremont? Unforgiveable. Look what you made me do, Kirkman. You’ll pay for this.

Secret Invasion #1

…

Criminal 2 #2

Wha? Huh? You want to know what I thought about Criminal 2 #2? Why? Oh, because I’m doing a Blue Rhino Review. Sorry, I’m a little groggy when I first wake up, I must have gone under reading Secret Invasion #1.

But Criminal, well now, Criminal just makes me want to smile. I can’t get enough of this book. Brubaker needs to stop worrying about his superheroes and get down with his noir-side a bit more (his two best books are by far Criminal and Daredevil (which is, I know, a superhero book, but not the way Bru writes it)). And I know, his Captain America is a superhero book and yes, it is amazing, but nothing compared to this work.

If you’re the kind of person that thinks that James Patterson is the best thing to happen to crime storytelling, then this book isn’t for you. But if you’re the kind of person who’s still OK with not really knowing everything that happened in The Maltese Falcon and still being all right with that because it’s one of the best books you’ve ever read, then why aren’t you reading Criminal?

That’s it for now. I have more comic books, and I promise, I’ll start doing some more reviews. There’s gotta be another Kirkman book I can be disappointed in lying around here somewhere…

No Time for TV: Chuck

2008-02-19T12:11:04Z

[video] [400 cedar]

Episode four of a series where "new" episodes of your favorite television shows are performed live on stage at the legendary 400 Bar in Minneapolis. Performed February 11, 2008.

No Time For TV: How I Met Your Mother

2008-02-10T12:37:57Z

I want to thank everyone who made it out last week, it was a great time. [No Time for TV: How I Met Your Mother] These things are really starting to come together, and everyone had so much fun last week. But this week is going to be even bigger, when we bring you Chuck with special guests International Espionage! Espionage will even be playing a set right after the play, so come down and check it out. My good friend Will Tolle will be rounding the night out with another amazing set. I know what you're thinking, how much could all of this cost me? Ten bucks? Fifteen? No, wait, it's free! Free!

So come down, bring your friends, have a beer and have a good time. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. youtube.com/400cedar

Blue Rhino Review

2007-11-23T22:33:49Z

I’m thirty years old, I don’t have a job, it’s the Friday after Thanksgiving and I only have about fifty bucks in my checking account. What does that all add up to? New comic books! That’s right, I figure the difference between fifty and twenty-five is almost negligible, so why not pick up this weeks exciting new books?

Hellblazer #238

This one almost didn’t make it home with me, not because I don’t love it, but because I figured I could pick it up after I got a little more money again. But then I saw that Daniel Zezelj was on art duties, and I just love this guys work. Mostly because it takes me so long to figure out what the hell is going on from panel to panel. In my younger days, this was always a drag, as I wanted to get through as many comic books as quickly as I could. But in my wisened old age, I’ve come to appreciate the intricacies of the medium. And unlike Mark Bagley (whoah, whoah, whoah, he’s not going to blaspheme Mark Bagley, is he?), Daniel’s work is a tapestry of wonders.

And the story wasn’t half bad either. One of those done-in-ones that you know is going to come back and haunt old John somewhere again down the road.

Action Comics #859

Sometimes I get a little bored with Geoff Johns and his orgasms over everything holy about the Golden Age of comic books. Or maybe I’ve just never been a legion guy, but this book was just blah. Or, better yet, just bleh. Maybe it’ll get better, maybe it won’t. I find myself barely able to care.

The Programme #5

When Peter Milligan is on, Peter Milligan is on. This book has continued to please and to grow in both story and pleasure from issue to issue. It’s complex yet simple all at the same time, with a limited enough cast of characters to enable you to follow along from issue to issue, but enough of an ensemble to tell the kind of sweeping story he wants to deliver. Plus, there’s a guy that thought he was Joe McCarthy. Yes, Senator Joe McCarthy. That’s fucking brilliant.

Captain America #32

This storyline just feels like a holding pattern. Maybe it’s because we’re waiting for the big stuff to finally play out, but each issue feels like a bit of a let-down in the sense that not enough answers are given, although in all honesty, I couldn’t imagine a single page, even a single panel, that was unnecessary in any of the past seven issues. I can’t decide if I want to bitch about this or just get to the point where it all falls into place.

The Boys #12

Yank, yank, my friend, yank, yank.

The Walking Dead #44

After actually liking the last issue (thereby causing a fat lady to sing, somewhere), I was once again let down by all things Kirkman. No one is safe! Ooooooohhh. The crazy governor is crazy, I don’t know quite why everyone else is doing what they’re doing (from the governor’s men to the people in the prison), there’s lots of death and little story, and poor Rick gets a gut shot. Whatever.

The man has good ideas (like the governor’s people taking so long to learn how to drive the tank, but not actually knowing how to fire the turrets) to Michonne’s realization (“it looks like they barely know how to drive that thing, let alone load and fire it”), but just such poor delivery. It still sounds like a damn instruction manual to what the story should be. Bend this 90 degrees, insert tab A into slot B, instructions in Spanish on reverse side. It just doesn’t quite work, at all.

But how about this. I don’t want to punch Kirkman in the neck anymore. I’d still spit in his food, and I’d probably make snide comments behind his back, but I don’t want to punch him in the neck anymore. And, hey, progress is progress, right?

Blue Rhino Review

2007-10-19T22:29:13Z

I managed to find some money for comic books again by just not paying other, less important bills, and thanks to that, you get another dose of vile hatred about the industry I love and cherish…

DMZ #24

An amazing look at what it’s like not to have the right answer, not to be the hero and not to be the villain all at the same time. Amina, who we met during the Public Works arc earlier this year, comes back to show us that sometimes a life saved isn’t always the best way out. And we finally see some kinks in the Matty Roth armor. Not to say that he hasn’t shown fallibility in the past, but it’s always been in the light of innocent victim/mistaken do-goodedry (do-goodedry?). But now we see Matty through the eyes of those he’s “saving”, literally in this case, and how one persons savior can be another’s damnation. This book really is the best book out there right now, especially for none-comic book readers, because it skirts both worlds (people like me and people like most the rest of you), and it does it elegantly.

Fables #66

The battle between Shere Khan and Bluebeard alone makes this book worth purchasing, not to mention another thrilling chapter in an insanely good story. The Good Prince feels almost epic, which is I think what Willingham was trying to get across. This story is big, it’s classic and it’s not like anything you’ve ever seen (if that’s possible while still being called “classic”). A character that spent the first 50 issues of this book being a fly on the wall (shit, I think that could be considered a pun, sorry about that) suddenly becomes the most important character in the whole book. I’ll be sad when Willingham eventually leaves this book for things like Shadowpact. Ewwww.

The Mighty Avengers #5

I don’t know if it’s the lateness of this book, the lack of an interesting plot thus far or just the loopholes in reality that make me want to vomit more, but vomit I wanted to after reading this garbage. What, did you think I was actually going to enjoy all the books that came out this week? The Sentry continues to be confounding, Ultron continues to bore me and I continue to not care about this mix-match of a team. Oooh, is Ms. Marvel really dead? Just like Iron Man? Oh, wait, they’re both in all of the other books coming out, which take place long after this storyline since it can’t seem to come out on time, and therefore any sacrifices made in this story are in vain. Including my contribution of $2.99.

The Boys #11

I can’t seem to stop buying this book, despite not being able to stand it. Maybe it’s just because I want to see how much more “witty” Garth Ennis can be each month in his usage of the word “fuck” (see “Blue Rhino Review” for similar effect). Jokes about Wolverine masturbating don’t even make sense, not to mention the “character development” that takes place within. Oh, they’re still a bunch of pricks who thinks superheroes are even bigger pricks you say? How interesting, Mr. Ennis, how oh so very interesting.

Bleh.

And now, it’s time for Kirkmania!

Ultimate X-men #87

Forget everything I’ve said about Kirkman’s Ultimate X-men up to this point and just go buy this issue. When you get home read it. Now read it again. See why you can forget everything I’ve said so far? It’s because he makes every single mistake in writing, all in one fabulous issue. In fact, I’d like to throw out my vote for this being the single worst issue of the century out there right now. That’s right, I went there, the century. I’m willing to give up 93 years of potential crap candidates all for this issue.

From the unrealistic dialogue (no one even talks like themselves, they just act as plot advancement devices, the highlight being the dialogue given in Sryfe’s “memory” sequence) to the absolute absurdity of the fail-safe to the even more absurd way in which the Sentinels are defeated to Bishop working for Cable (oh, sorry, uh, spoiler alert there) to, I don’t know, Kirkman being a fucking hack. Jesus Christ, you couldn’t choose a more tired plotline than this (unless you’re Chris Claremont) and then Kirkman can’t even…uh…head…hurts…going to…kill…hurt…maim…Kirkman…anger…smash…arghh!

Marvel Zombies One Shot: Dead Days

You’re not going to believe this, but the script wasn’t terrible in this book. It wasn’t great, hell, it wasn’t even good, but it didn’t anger me in unspeakable ways. Now the plot, well, the plot is another story, or should I say lack of story. What the hell was the point of this book? Oh, wait, I know, it was to get me to spend $3.99. You motherfuckers. I will get that $3.99 back in kind, someday. Yes, someday.

the Blue Rhino Review

2007-09-18T19:46:10Z

After spending several amazing weeks somewhere down near the bottom (my lap top broke, I got robbed, people seem to keep getting murdered in my neighborhood, I’m broke, I sometimes smell funky, and so on and so on…), I’m back with a very special edition of the Blue Rhino Review. It’s only really special because I have my friend’s lap top for the afternoon so I can prepare for a job interview in Fairbault on Thursday that I’m woefully underqualified and not even slightly prepared for. But, hey, that’s Thursday. Ready for some comic books?

New Avengers #34

Blech. If Leinel Frances Yu wasn’t drawing this, I’d just have to come up with some other odd reason to still be buying this book, because it’s not the story. That smells worse than whatever’s currently growing in my sink. From the boringly slow pace this story has decided to move at to the horribly clichéd “true images” of our heroes to the lack of me caring about an army of symbiotes attacking New York to the…fuck…whatever. This book blows. Hard.

Ultimate Spider-Man #113

Let me risk getting strung up and beaten the next time I’m around three or more nerds, but thank god Bagley is finally gone from this book. The man is a house artist. Do you know what a house artist is? He’s that guy you bring on when the real artists can’t finish a book on time. He’s someone you keep on retainer because he can fill pages when the need arises. He’s not good. Am I the only person alive who can see this?

So why am I complaining so much about an artist that has now left the book? Because Stuart Immonen is the proof of what could have been done for this book for 111 issues, and no one’s talking about this. Everyone is just bemoaning the loss of Bagley. I’m sorry, “loss”.

Wow, I really am an asshole.

The Walking Dead #42

I’ll let you know when this book starts getting interesting instead of predictable, and also when Kirkman starts working on character development instead of plot advancement seen through the eyes of “character development”. But don’t hold your breath on either count.

100 Bullets #85

Although this book has become remarkably clearer in plot over the past year, I still have no clue what the hell is going on. I get the idea though that this issue was pretty week considering how much time we have left before everything hits the fan, assuming it hasn’t already. I’m a little nervous to see how slowly this book is being scheduled currently, especially with issues like this filling the stands only ever so often.

Ultimate X-Men #86

See my review of Walking Dead #42. And then, if you happen to run into Kirkman, punch him in the neck for me. All right, don’t punch him in the neck, that’s rude, maybe just spit at him a little or something. Then tell him to stop writing comic books so I can stop wasting my money on everything he puts out just so I can bitch about it. The whole relationship is just getting tired.

Daredevil #100

Color me disappointed. I was once told too never write about dreams, they just aren’t interesting to other people. Let’s add drug-induced hallucinations to that dictum, too, shall we? I paid $3.99 for about thirty pages that never happened (Ok, Ok, I understand that they’re comic books and none of them actually “ever happened”, but still, come on…)

DMZ #23

A touching tale about street graffiti and what it sometimes means, especially to those involved directly in it. This book is still consistently the most intriguing and diverse love story currently on the stands, and possibly ever within the medium. Brian Wood continues to amaze me with each new story he conceives, and each one reminds me that there is a world much bigger than mine out there for the taking.

Fables #65

Only Bill Willingham could actually make me like Flycatcher. A seemingly throw-away character from the beginning of the book suddenly becomes the focal point for all things Fable, and possibly all things in a book that somehow manages to get better with each and every issue. And finally, we get a glimpse of what Frau Tottenkinder has been up to, but in true Willingham fashion, that glimpse cost us so much more than we even knew it would cost, because now all I have is questions where before existed only mild curiosity.

On a side not, a portfolio book for James Jean recently came out (the cover artist for Fables). I didn’t have enough money to pick it up at the shop, but I did spend some time looking at it an would highly recommend it for anyone interested in the process of how a cover is formed. Beside, James Jean might be one of the best cover artists out there, giving even the unstoppable J.H. Williams III a run for his money (and if you have any doubts about JH’s skills, just check out his run on Adventures of Superman and be amazed, and those might actually be his weakest covers ever, that’s all I’m saying).

Casanova #9

This book makes my head explode. In a good way. Watch out, Joe Casey, there might be another man-crush in town.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-08-20T07:31:12Z

It’s that time again, but there’s a slight problem. I’m broke, I’m paring the collection down, I have to be “smart” about my current purchases and, oh yeah, I’m broke. So we’re going to run through a blast from the past, as I’ve randomly selected numerous issues from my vast collection (and it is very vast, ladies), so here we go…

The Mask #4 (October, 1991)

Go out right now, buy this issue, turn to page 16 and look at the bottom panel on this page and then try and tell me you’re not disappointed with your purchase. I’m serious. Do it right now!

The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #22 (1988)

Speedball. I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve never really meant it until now. Wow. Speedball.

Tom DeFalco writes the same issue I read a good three hundred times throughout the nineties (and he did it in the eighties!). Just pure crap. Daredevil is there so we know the hero is telling the truth (even though we already know the hero is telling the truth). The Kingpin crushes some people and gets really upset that he’s managed to run a multi-million dollar operation without fail for lo these many years. Oh, and Speedball is introduced.

This annual is part of the Evolutionary War, no, wait, I’m sorry, The Evolutionary War, a running them between annuals at Marvel that was their answer to “wow, Crisis sold a shitload for those DC bastards!”. Yet they just never seemed to really get it right.

At least things have finally changed at the house of ideas. Sarcasm really doesn’t sell as well in written form (or maybe I’m just a bad writer (as for sarcastic pretentiousness…)).

Jack Kirby’s Fourth World #1 (March, 1997, Hey, I turned 20!)

John Byrne is kind of a fuck. DC was just sticking it to Marvel by invoking The King’s name after he was gone. And really, what the fuck happened in this issue? I paid $1.95 ten years ago to be this bored? This comic book predicted my entire life.

Daredevil #181 (April, 1982)

Come on, man. Daredevil #181. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Elektra (not the Jennifer Garner Elektra). Bullseye (and not the Colin Farrell Bullseye). Daredevil (most definitely not the “hey, I’m Ben Affleck and I’m totally blind because I stare directly at your forehead at all times” Daredevil).

This comic book defined, well, I don’t know, it just defined so much. This issue began the legacy of Daredevil just plain not sucking, and, in fact, from time to time, being totally amazing. This was it. The one issue that did it all. Sure, you can say that Frank Miller’s entire run on the series defined the character, but when you boil it all down, it’s really just this issue. This one, single, beautiful issue.

And the best part is, it’s told by Bullseye. And in case you’re worried about that, don’t be, because I already pointed out that it’s not the Colin Farrell Bullseye.

This is, quite easily, the best issue of Daredevil ever. And I am taking into account any future issues that I may not have read yet.

The Uncanny X-Men #248 (September, 1989)

Fuck you, Claremont.

Guardians of the Galaxy #25 (June, 1992)

This is one of maybe four or five issues that you can directly relate to the almost-collapse of the comic book industry in the early nineties. Glow-in-the-dark-foil-super cover. $2.50 (in 1992, no less!). Galactus! The Guardians of the Galaxy!

Sometimes I wonder if we just might have been better off if things had completely fallen apart.

And how the hell is Jim Valentino still working in the comic book industry. Have we learned nothing?

Ghost Rider #14 (June, 1991)

How the hell did this incarnation last 60+ issues? I know this is only issue 14 here, but trust me, it keeps going. Read issue 14 and try and explain to me how that’s possible. Please.

The Waling Dead #78 (Novemberish, 2010)

Wow. 78 issues and you still don’t even know your own characters voices. Impressive, Kikrman, very impressive.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-08-09T21:47:02Z

What a week. I had just recently decided to drop a number of titles that I collect in order to par down the amount of shit I’ve managed to collect in the past thirty years, and yet I still somehow spent 40$ on new comic books this week. And do you want to know the weirdest part about it all? I was actually excited to read all of them (well, almost all of them, but you’ll see…)

Powers #25

This is what Brian Michael Bendis should be doing. No more New Avengers. No more Mighty Avengers. No more Ultimate Spider-Man (gasp! Blasphemy!). Just Powers. And it should come out every week.

Let me be the first to say that I loved the Brian Michael Bendis cover to this issue (there were two, the other from Oeming, the regular artist). It’s priceless. I was angry at first, until I got the joke. At least I hope it’s a joke, I’m going to stay with thinking it is.

But Powers is by far the highlight of Mr. Bendis’ illustrious career. It’s the book that I once drunkenly ranted about for hours when one of the final issues of the first series was a “full” issue with no ads or letters page in order to tell more story.

But here’s the thing. This book is starting to suffer, and I think it’s because of all the aforementioned books that I think he should quit. Because this book is the shit, and it’s starting to not be, and I hope it doesn’t slip any more.

P.S., enough with the sex in comic books, Bendis. We all know they’re “real”, and showing people fucking for three pages doesn’t help establish their “realness” for me, it just makes me think that you are a very, very disturbed and under-sexed individual.

Still a good book, but come on.

DMZ #22

I loved the anti-climactic climactic ending to this storyline. I like that the shit hit the fan last issue, and this issue just deals with the aftermath of said shit hitting said fan. Brian Wood says to hell with deconstruction, this is just how I’m telling the story, and bless him for that. He doesn’t drag us along with nothing for four issues and then toss us a bag of scraps in the end and tell us it’s a feast. In fact, I think DMZ should do away entirely with the “story arc”. They should just be issues, each of them are content and full enough on their own to stand up on their own two feet. They’re all a part of the greater whole, not just filler until we get to the meat, which seems to go rotten before we ever get there in other books a lot of the time.

Thank you, Brian Wood.

The New Avengers #33

Other than the sixty bucks I can now make on ebay for my old “Hood” mini-series, this issue totally blew. Actually, it didn’t even blow, because that might actually be construed as accomplishing something. Just like the movie Sicko, I walked into this thing knowing just as much as I did walking out, and I’ll I got for my time was a semi-queasy, sickish feeling in my stomach.

Sure, it’s got all the stuff the kids like these days. Flashy dialogue that’s “funny”. Guns and death. A lack of trust. Deathlok. And on the surface, I guess that makes it good. I just think that Bendis is hoping that nobody looks past the surface. Because if you take away all the flash and pomp, all that’s left is just another crappy Avengers story from the nineties. Ouch.

The Boys #9

Jesus Christ. More fucking in comic books. Apparently Garth Ennis hasn’t gotten any in a while either, and he’s using The Boys to fulfill all of his creepy male domination fantasies. I’ve lost the entire point of this series in the first place. Oh, yeah, it was to “out-Preacher Preacher”. Well, if by “out-Preachering Preacher” you mean to make me more physically ill than Preacher ever did, then job well done, Mr. Ennis, job well done.

As for The Boys, I’ve had enough.

Punisher War Journal #10

I still don’t quite see where Fraction is going with this book. The first five issues were a fun-filled blast, but this whole Nazi arc just has me wondering why I didn’t get off the ride after my first time through. The ending presents some interesting character developments for all of the major players, but I don’t know if we really needed this much story to get there. And I’m also not really sure how much Frank would really care about it all in the end, anyway (although in Fraction’s defense, it does seem more like he’s worried about Clarke finding him out than for what he actually did, but still, that interpretation is on the fence).

Who am I kidding, though, it’s been the best Punisher in years.

Daredevil #99

I had to look up Larry Cranston, too. Apparently he was one of the many Mr. Fears. Yeah, I still don’t know who he is either.

Still, damn good issue. The ride that Bendis started back around issue #20 keeps on rolling, even with a new driver behind the wheel. This is another book that, just like DMZ, could totally do away with the “story arc” since the whole thing has just felt like one long, strange journey that doesn’t need to be broken up into smaller pieces.

Oh, and the last line of the book is one sweet, sweet line. It’s been a while since the last line of a comic book made me feel all tingly cool like that.

Fables #64

This is the first issue of this entire series that I didn’t like. Sure, I’ve been disappointed before, and sometimes angered when Mr. Willingham takes little detours like this, but those feelings are usually assuaged by the greatness of his story-telling. Not this time around. It was all just filler, but not the good kind of filler like stuffing or potatoes. It was the bad kind, like cold eggplant salad. Gross.

Godland #19

Joe Casey is cooler than you. It’s a proven fact. And that’s all you really need to know about Godland to go out there and buy it. He’s like the cool hipster on the scene that you want to be around, as opposed to all those others that just kind of irritate you with their smug hipness and their clove cigarettes.

Casanova #8

I couldn’t even tell you what happened in this issue if I wanted to. In classic Casanova fashion, it’s going to take at least four more issues and a dozen reads before I even begin to decipher the hidden meaning in each and every panel of this spectacular book. And you know what? It only costs me $1.99 an issue for this much pleasure. Part of me is crying right now.

Batman #667

Grant Morrison and J.H. Williams III together again? I just wet myself.

Criminal #8

Maybe I’m not supposed to, but I really don’t like Tracy Lawless. The biggest problem with that is that I don’t feel for him, or his cause. But I am starting to like Ricky Lawless a little bit, despite never having the opportunity to meet him. I’ll be interested to see where this goes, but this is really just one piece of the puzzle on a book that reads much better in whole than in part.

Ultimate X-Men #85

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Robert Kirkman? Because I do. Oh, how I hate him.

This book wasn’t actually half bad story-wise, but the dialogue just about killed me. Mostly because I can just picture in my mind Kirman, slumped over his computer, laughing giddily to himself as he writes such amazingly “witty” dialogue like

Wolverine – These new Sentinel models are great. I don’t need any help getting up top to do damage. Smaller, compact. I approve!

Bishop (not me) – Don’t forget deadlier! These models are faster and carry more weapons, Wolverine.

Wolverine – Granted. I’m not a fan of those features, Bishop.

Bishop (not me) – I thought not.

It’s such utter bullshit. Worthless tripe.

Bishop (me) – These new stories by Kirkman are total ass. I don’t need any help understanding them since they sound like they were written by a five-year-old. Boring, dim. I hate them!

Blue Rhino Review

2007-08-08T07:16:41Z

Here we go again. More comics, more potential suckiness. Will this mad, vicious cycle ever end?

World War Hulk #2 & 3

I don’t know. It’s better than issue #1. Is that a compliment? I guess. Maybe. The continuity issues are better (they can never be gone, this is Marvel, after all, and Joe Quesada’s Marvel at that). I guess maybe the biggest problem I have with this whole story is that I really just don’t care. Not even a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Hulk fan. I collected the damn book for over a decade. And in the end, this is just another same old Hulk story I’ve read a hundred times before. Give me back Bruce Jones, who wrote the most original and intriguing Hulk I’ve ever read. Greg Pak can just go blow it out his unimpressive ass for all I care.

The New Avengers Illuminati #4 (of 5)

Ho-hum. I guess this has been the best issue so far, but that’s not saying a whole lot. It’s like saying it’s two times nothing. It’s still just nothing. Honestly, I don’t even really remember what happened in this issue. I remember a couple of lines making me laugh, but hey, I laughed at a couple of lines in Wedding Crashers, too. Wedding Crashers.

Thor #2

I just don’t like you any more, JMS. You’re writing has stopped impressing me, and I’m starting to wonder if it ever did, or if it was just different and therefore I thought it was good. I don’t know. Sure, you revitalized Spider-Man, and I thank you for that, but you’ve managed to go nowhere with that whole thing. And yes, I liked your Fantastic Four issues, but that was based solely on Mike McKone’s stunning artwork. But don’t even ask me about Supreme Power. Bleh. And now Thor?

Has anything even happened in the last two issues? I’d be hard pressed to come up with an answer to that question. I do like the concept presented in issue #2, I love anything mythology related that has to also do with people’s beliefs, but did we need two issues to get to this point? In case you haven’t been following the tone of my questioning, the answer to that question would be no.

Crossing Midnight #9

If the classic film Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, ever becomes a reality, I would totally have your baby, Mike Carey.

Faker #2

See the above review for Crossing Midnight.

Silver Surfer Requiem #2

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.

How can you make one of the most interesting characters in the history of the Marvel Universe be so…uninteresting? And with Ribic on art? Come on, man. This should be a slam-dunk. A classic. Instead, it’s just a snooze-fest filled with “heartfelt” moments that have no heart whatsoever.

Stop tormenting me, JMS. What are you going to do next, write a “zombie epic”?

The Uncanny X-Men #489

After I have Mike Carey’s baby, your totally next in line, Ed Brubaker. You’re totally next in line.

Fear Agent #2

Yes. This is good comic book. Yes.

Who doesn’t like a foul-mouthed, whiskey-swilling hero who blows up aliens with a shotgun in one hand and pure attitude in the other, not to mention a hip jet-pack.

Rick Remender is what comic books should be. He’s fun, he’s funny, he’s witty and to top it all off, he’s just a damn good writer. I can honestly say I’ve been surprised by at least one twist or turn in every single issue of Fear Agent that there has been (14 some issues before this new series). And I love it. I love it I love it I love it.

I love it.

Did I mention how much I loved it yet?

witlessworm.com meetup

2007-07-27T16:36:11Z

I have another reading. It's tonight. Apparently, I'm bad at telling my friends about these things. I wish I was better, but, then again, I also kind of wish I had some money, a nicer home and the ability to tell my friends about my readings a little sooner than the day off. So, you know, life's not perfect.

I'm reading several stories this evening, all of them good. I have to say that, so you'll be enticed. One's about love. One's about fashion (and my lack of...). One's a short I wrote long ago, about Vanilla Ice (yes, the crappy white rapper). I also have a few shorts that are two-sided, and that you may have read, that go by the moniker "Spider-man and I" and are about me, well, talking with Spider-man.

Spider-man will be played by my esteemed best friend, Mr. Todd Demerath.

Please come. It's my last reading for who knows how long, and even if that is just some clever line to get you to show up, it might actually be true.

400 bar
Ada Jane / Ben Wilinski / Leslie Ostarander / Jeremy Bishop / Jennifer Mack, Natalie Brown, Melisa Brown, Sharon Picasso-Merrick.
8:00 PM (7:00 PM doors)
18 plus with valid ID.
$6.00

Blue Rhino Review

2007-07-27T08:02:10Z

You know you want it. You know you need it. You know you set your clock by it, and are subsequently always late. It’s time for more comic book reviews…

Ultimate Fantastic Four #44

Have I told you how much I love Mike Carey? Not in that Joe Casey man-crush kind of way, but in the “boy, can this guy write” kind of way.

Silver Surfer? Check. Silver Surfer being cool? Check. Ultimate Reed Richards acting like the Ultimate Reed Richards? Double check.

This book is awesome. You should be reading it.

Doktor Sleepless #1

I have no idea what the fuck happened in this issue, but that doesn’t matter. Want to know why? The dialogue is amazing. Maybe this book will suck. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it’ll just be.

But reading the lines that Warren Ellis’ whiskey-addled brain comes up with are well worth the price of admission.

We should take a moment to pause here and note that, however brief they might be, there have been two reviews in the positive note. Am I in the right place? Is this really the Blue Rhino Review?

The Programme #1

Let’s start with I don’t know what the fuck happened in this issue, and I’ll second that with there not being the dialogue found in Doktor Sleepless.

But I still liked this book.

Was it C.P. Smith’s art? Yes. Was it Peter Milligan’s rampant anti-, well, anti-war and the United States lately? Check.

But really, it was the cover, wasn’t it? Check.

Grendel: Behold the Devil promo

Let me say that I love Grendel. I spent the better part of my childhood collecting this series, and finally found it all when ebay became synonymous with “hey, now I can find all that shit I’ve spent my whole childhood looking for”.

But this is to the people that want more Hunter Rose stories. Why? His story was already told, and well enough. Grendel isn’t Hunter Rose. Did anyone else read the 40+ issues of Grendel (I say 40+ since there are really 50, counting Warchild). Grendel isn’t Hunter Rose.

Grendel is Grendel. And it was beautiful.

The rest is just dressing, and I’m not a big fan of dressing on my salads.

Wait, I like dressing on my salads. That analogy doesn’t work. Crap.

I’ll just make it simple then. WE DON’T NEED ANY MORE HUNTER ROSE STORIES.

Hellblazer #234

Andy Diggle, you can do no wrong. At least not yet, but I’ve got my eye on you, buddy. Go ahead, screw up, I dare you. I double dare you.

Until then, I’ll just keep loving the ride.

All Star Batman #6

I understand the complaints about “the goddam Batman”, I really do. I should hate it to. I really, really should. I should hate the new and improved Republican Frank Miller. I really, really should.

But, goddamn this book is funny. Hy-larious, even.

The Goddamn Batman can kick the goddamn ass of any goddamn detractor of this book any goddamn time, and I’ll be right there behind him, not throwing a goddamn punch but still goddamn loving it.

Goddamn it.

X-Men #201

Remember how I said I loved Mike Carey before? Well, any love comes with its fair share of pain, and that pain would be the X-men book scribed by Mr. Carey.

It’s been a rocky road, up and down, give and take (and so much more has been taken than given), but, still, I’m willing to give the guy a chance.

And please, please, please, put Mr. Ramos on a book he can draw. I’m tired of this shit.

Captain America #28

This book still suffers from the death of Captain America, and not because it’s not still really, really damn good, but because the whole thing, just, overshadows everything.

I wish everyone else would stop paying attention to it and just let those of us that knew this book was fucking amazing from issue one continue to enjoy ourselves.

Cap is dead. Or he’s not. Or maybe he is, but he’ll come back. Who gives a damn? It couldn’t matter less to the story being told in this book, and if that’s not amazing, I don’t know what is.

Ultimate Spider-Man #111

I don’t even want to talk about this book.

Mark Bagley isn’t a “bad” artist, but he’s a house artist. Do you know what that means? He fills in where needed. He does the job, but he doesn’t break norms or defy the inevitable or anything clichéd. He’s just an allright guy that’s drawn 110 issues, and it’s sad to see him go for that feat alone, not because he’s the next coming of Dali or something.

Stuart Immonen, on the other hand, blows my mind. His style has grown and changed and always, always impresses me. I couldn’t be happier that he’s taking over this book. Maybe it’ll mean that I’ll be a little less bored with Bendis’ “clever” dialogue each month (which seems to mean that the story can go nowhere for months at a time, because we’re amused by dumb in-jokes and the like (crap, I write like that sometimes, what kind of asshole am I? I love writing in-jokes.)).

Whatever. This book is consistently worth buying, even if it isn’t necessarily consistently “good”.

But, despite my reservations and feelings of angst, I have nothing but the best wishes for Mr. Bagley. I grew up with him, and despite never liking his style, I respect his longevity. I’m not even really sure if that’s a compliment.

The Might Avengers #4

There’s so much wrong with this book, that I don’t even know where to begin to start. It’s going to take a whole review to discuss, someday soon.

So much wrong.

Wolverine #55

I guess I don’t know what I expected, but it was more than this. Maybe I should be happy, because, Mr. Loeb, that last nail I was looking for you to nail in so I could never buy one of your books again?

Thanks for pounding it with my $2.99.

Wolfsbane, Feral, Sasquatch. Sabretooth, Wolverine, Wildchild. A part of “history”. There can be only “two”. Some grand mastermind.

Do you remember Episodes I, II and III? Georgie-boy Lucas? Yeah, well, it sucked the life out of his movies and my childhood once already, thanks for doing it again.

The Walking Dead #39

Oh, fuck. It’s that Kirkman dude again. You know, the guy that sucks ass but somehow gets paid a shitload for it?

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

This book sucks. It royally sucks.

Some more people get bitten, some people maybe die, some shit happens, blah, blah, blah.

What’s the point anymore? I couldn’t tell you.

War? Famine? The human conditon?

You know what I say to that?

Fuck you, clown, fuck…you…

Oh, but if you like zombie shit, this is probably the book to pick up…

Black Summer # (1? 2?)

It’s part 2, issue 1, whatever. It’s been done before, it’s been told before, it’s been said before.

But, you know what? It’s never been done, told or said by Warren Ellis.

And that, my friend, is why you should stop what you’re doing right now, go out to your local comic shop (or LCS as the dorks online like to call it) and buy issues #0 (part 1) and issue #1 (part 2) right…the…fuck…now.

You won’t be disappointed, and if you haven’t read watchmen, FMDKR or any comic book since ’82, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised.

The Immortal Iron Fist #7

This book is written by two people. Ed Brubaker and Matt Fraction. Ed Brubaker beat up Matt Fraction in high school.

If that’s not enough to get you to read this book, then I’ll tell you what, I’ll beat you up. I’ll even pinky-swear on it.

Batman #666

The mark of the beast. It’s confusing. It doesn’t make sense (unless you watched all these cool rapture movies I used to rent for free from the Christian bookstore in my hometown, and even then…).

This book makes little sense and has even less to do with continuity, but it’s damn fun. It’s damn Grant Morrison fun. Have I said enough?

All right, just buy it. It doesn’t make sense in the sense of the whole picture, but it has enough great Grant lines to leave you smiling well into next year.

Like Warren Ellis on whiskey, this is Grant Morrison on Grant. It’s just pure fun, and sometimes, that’s just enough.

So, now that the reviews are done, I have to say, I was overly impressed with this pull. Sure, I had some complaints, and sure, I was rather short in my reviews, but I had a lot to go through. And I’m watching Macguyver. It’s distracting. But I would still recommend buying any of these books (accept maybe the Kirkman crap, but that’s just because I hate him so, so much).

I guess I have to say that, in the end, this batch of books was pretty damn good. That’ll be the only time you see me writing that, so, you know, enjoy. I gave such short reviews because I think most of these books stand on their own, and are worth your checking out. It was a good two weeks (these were two weeks of reviews, by the way).

Just go buy some comic books, people. Please.

Spider-Man and I

2007-07-16T19:35:04Z

Me: So, I’ve been avoiding creditors lately.

Spider-Man: How do you avoid creditors?

Me: It’s actually quite simple.

SM: Really?

Me: Really.

SM: So how do you do it?

Me: Simple. You just don’t answer your phone.

SM: It’s that simple?

Me: It’s that simple.

SM: And what does not answering your phone do?

Me: Not answering your phone doesn’t allow the creditors to make you feel guilty about how much money you owe them.

SM: Don’t they have other ways of getting their money from you?

Me: I’d imagine, but for the first few months they just call a lot.

SM: And you just don’t answer.

Me: I just don’t answer.

SM: Hmph.

Me: What would you do about creditors looking for money?

SM: Well, I’ll tell you, I wouldn’t have the option of not answering my phone.

Me: Why is that?

SM: Well, I don’t have a phone.

Me: You don’t have a phone?

SM: I don’t have a phone.

Me: No phone?

SM: Well, Peter Parker has a phone, but I don’t have a phone.

Me: But you have creditor issues?

SM: Well, no.

Me: Because you can’t get a credit card.

SM: Well, yeah.

Me: Because you don’t have a social security number, an address, or a phone number.

SM: Well, yeah.

Me: But Peter Parker has all that.

SM: Yeah, and he has issues with creditors.

Me: How does he deal with them?

SM: He just doesn’t answer his phone.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-07-15T23:56:53Z

Whew, now that we got that other stuff out of the way, it’s time for good old comic book reviewing once again. And you thought I was branching out…

Punisher War Journal #9

I couldn’t be less interested in how ridiculously long the current arc is taking to close itself out. The end of the issued said “to be concluded…”, but I don’t know if I can wait another four weeks to care even less.

But, you know, look for a review of issue #10 in about four weeks…

Ultimate X-Men #84

I read the plot synopsis for this issue online before it came out and it said something like “you’ll never believe who Bishop gets to join his New X-Men” (I know, the guys name is Bishop, which should be a lot cooler than it actually is). Anyway, the solicit also had a cover image with a bunch of former X-men on the cover, so I assumed this was some kind of teaser or trick and that I’d actually be surprised by who joined Kirkman’s New X-Men. Do you see where I went horribly wrong yet?

I will destroy you, Robert Kirkman. I will use the toilet, not wash my hands and then serve you food without your knowing about the not washing my hands part. I will go to restaraunts and ask for ridiculous things like pickles on a separate plate from my burger and then not even touch the pickles and then I won’t tip my waitress and I’ll tell her “My name is Robert Kirkman” and pay in cash so she doesn’t know my name isn’t Robert Kirkman. I am going to get the email address kirkman213@gmail.com and then I am going to email newspapers with op-ed pieces about how I hate old people and dogs and I am going to sign them Robert Kirkman.

And really, seriously, for all of you out there. Wolverine is just a tired, old character (and I mean that in so many ways). Find something new and different to do with him and stop having him act “tough” in bars when someone calls him a “mutie” or whatever. Because, sincerely, all that makes me think is yank yank.

Fables #63

The Fables of Fabletown are going to war. Or, at least, they’re getting ready to go to war. And if Willingham is half the writer that I think he is, they’re going to lose, but it will be an oh so bitter victory for the dreaded emperor.

This series just keeps getting better and better, despite the blatant pro-Israel parallels that exist throughout the series (I’m not trying to get into some huge pro/anti Israel debate here, which is why I only briefly mention it despite it being a huge influence on the book, I just worry that they’re being a little too idealized here while any possibly atrocities that may be committed are overlooked or spun as necessary and heroic).

Wow, that whole last statement could lead to a world of hurt, couldn’t it?

100 Bullets #84

I don’t even know what’s going on in this book anymore. Azzarello’s writing, which I used to love, has become so steeped in metaphor and hidden meaning that I don’t think he even knows what half of it means anymore. I find myself reading lines over and over again only to finally say “oh, now I get it, I’m not supposed to have any idea what is being said here”.

Good crime noir makes you think, and it doesn’t give you all the answers all of the time, but Azzarello has gotten so far lost in the mystery that I’m not sure there even is an answer anymore.

And I have no idea when the next issue is coming out since this book seems to have gone on hiatus once again. Come on, man, there’s only sixteen issues left. Just finish it already.

The New Avengers #32

I’m still not convinced on this whole Skrull taking over the Marvel Universe thing (or at least Earth in the Marvel Universe). This may be where me and Marvel part ways once again.

As for the dynamics of the story, it’s just all way too loose. I think Bendis has some good ideas, but he either doesn’t have the time of support to flesh them all out, and because of that everything is falling apart. I get what he’s doing and I see where he’s trying to go with it, but I’m just not buying the whole journey. But as long as Leinel Yu is drawing it, you’ll still get my three bucks (who am I kidding, I’ll still buy it irregardless, and even regardless).

Hip, hip.

Spawn #169

This David Hine guy is supposed to be this awesome writer who does these awesome stories and Spawn is supposed to be the best it’s ever been. I’ll let you in on a little secret. None of that is true. Although in defense of the last bit of that statement, when you suck as much as Spawn sucks in general, I guess only sucking a little bit is better than sucking a lot. Sure, they’re still degrees of suck, but who in their right mind wouldn’t say that Legally Blonde is ten times the movie that Legally Blonde 2 was?

The Green Rhino Review

2007-07-15T23:27:53Z

Holy shit. “Green Rhino Review”? What the hell is that?

Yes, I’m finally branching out, years after first mentioning the various other reviews, I’m actually going to give one. And a movie review, no less. Those of you panicking, though, don’t panic too much. It’s a review of a comic book movie. I’m not stretching my mental limbs out that much.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Well. Let me start out by saying I actually enjoyed the first film in this franchise. Sure, it was rife with continuity issues and campy dialogue, and sure there were a lot of things I would have done differently, but I left the theater with a kind of childhood glee that I only used to get when reading The Fantastic Four as an eight-year old child.

Now, for this, the second installment, I walked in with a slight feeling of dread. I’d been avoiding seeing it right away because I just wasn’t too sure about it, but I had no idea what I was in store for. Just like when you see a crappy band for the first time and you know ten notes into their first song that it’s going to only get worse, I literally leaned over to my friends and noted how much this movie was going to suck within the first minute.

It was like one of the producer’s bought one of those shitty joke and pun books from the bookstore, gave it to their ten-year old and told them to pick out the ones they thought were funny, then chose all of the rest and gave it to some “writers” to loosely coil a plot around what should have been called “Fantastic Four: The Rise of Laurel and Hardy” (and then subsequently panned for sullying the names of Laurel and Hardy).

I kept waiting for the “Boing” and “Zowww” sound effects as the characters tripped and stumbled over each other.

But I think the prize has to go to Jessica Alba, who really “acts” her heart out for the entirety of this catastrophe. I don’t think anyone let her in on the joke, and while Chris Evans does exactly what Chris Evans does best, Jessica Alba was going for the grammy. I wanted to pat her on the back, give her a cookie and tell her “it’s all right, nobody really expects all that much from you anyway”.

You top all of this off with The Silver Surfer and his overly cryptic lines (imagine “your planet is already doomed” in a Laurence Fishburne-y voice (mostly because it’s Laurence Fishburne doing the voice)). They barely describe what he’s doing before not even bothering to describe how he stops what’s happening from happening (after barely describing why he has a change of heart in the first place).

The whole movie falls apart with a clichéd ending in which our heroes don’t have enough time to finish the wedding of Reed and Sue properly, but they do have enough time to make a fancy four out of smoke from their fantasticar in the air above the ceremony as they cruise off to save the world yet again.

What a fucking waste.

Spider-Man and I

2007-07-07T20:07:05Z

Me: I just got back from this “informational interview” with this company called Primerica.

Spider-Man: I fought Dr. Octopus earlier.

Me: How’d that go?

SM: The usual.

Me: He squirreled around for a while, ranting about this and that, until you finally landed a punch on his glass jaw and he fell down like a sack of bricks?

SM: Yeah. Sometimes it gets a little old. You know all these writers and psychologists and experts all think there’s some deeper meaning to that guy, like he’s got some secret history that explains everything about who he is and why he does what he does.

Me: You don’t buy it?

SM: He’s just a freak with bad fashion sense and a penchant for the over-dramatic.

Me: You’d be surprised how common that is.

SM: I’m sorry, though, you were talking about Primerica.

Me: There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.

SM: How bad was it?

Me: Well, the first sign of danger came when I drove into the parking lot and my fellow potential co-workers were wearing everything from a t-shirt and jeans to a full body sweatsuit.

SM: Why is that so bad?

Me: I was told to dress “business casual”, so I can only assume that they were told the same thing.

SM: And?

Me: And I’m a little concerned about possibly working with people that consider a 40$ track suit as “business casual”.

SM: You shouldn’t be so judgmental.

Me: Who’s being judgmental?

SM: The guy wearing two different colored socks while bitching about someone else’s track suit.

Me: Whatever. That was fine. I still went in, didn’t I?

SM: So when did it go really bad?

Me: When the guy speaking, Joe, who we were on a first-name basis with already, which is an entirely different problem in and of itself, but it was when Joe told us that it wasn’t an Amway-like pyramid scheme.

SM: What’s the problem with that?

Me: The problem is that the only people who actually run pyramid schemes are the guys who tell you they aren’t running a pyramid scheme.

SM: How do you know it wasn’t?

Me: Because immediately after saying that it wasn’t a pyramid scheme, he put up a model of how the business works that had the "corporate office" at the top, with three “branches” lined up below it and numerous “agents” lined up below the “branches” in an oddly familiar and triangular shape.

SM: Wow. That’s like a scene from a sit-com.

Me: I know.

SM: What happened next?

Me: Joe told us about how he made half a million dollars last year.

SM: Did he show you some plane tickets that the company gave him, too?

Me: No, but he talked about how he could go on vacation whenever he wanted.

SM: Same thing.

Me: Yeah.

SM: Did he ask the group if they wanted to make half a million next year?

Me: You took the words right out of his mouth.

SM: So what did you do next?

Me: I ran.

SM: Really?

Me: Really. I got up as fast as I could and made a break for the door.

SM: What did they do?

Me: They had a whole army of “agents” positioned between me and the door to stop me with “hello”s and “how are you”s.

SM: Like that time I fought Hydra.

Me: Yeah, like that time you fought Hydra.

SM: You know Hydra is legion, right?

Me: I know, Hydra is legion.

Spider-Man and I*

2007-07-07T04:34:55Z

Spider-Man: Hey

Me: Hey

SM: What are you doing up here?

Me: Thinking about the show Lost.

SM: Oh, yeah, you a fan of lost?

Me: I don’t know.

SM: So, what about the show, then?

Me: Hmm?

SM: What about the show were you thinking?

Me: Oh, how it’s got three more seasons, already guaranteed, with a sure ending in sight, but it’s not until 2010.

SM: And?

Me: And I’m wondering if I really want to wait until 2010 to find out what’s going to happen on the show.

SM: Is there anything you can really do about it?

Me: I guess not, other than boycotting the show and never finding out what happens.

SM: What’s happened so far?

Me: I’m not really sure.

SM: I know what you’re saying. That show’s pretty wild, hard to tell what’s going on.

Me: No, no, I mean I’m not really sure because I’ve never seen an episode. I just read about it on wikipedia a lot.

SM: Oh, yeah. Huh.

Me: What?

SM: Well, I’ve never actually seen it either. I just read about it on wikipedia, too.

Me: So you won’t sound like an idiot when other people are talking about it.

SM: Exactly.

Me: Did you know it was J.J. Abrams?

SM: Yeah.

Me: He did Felicity, you know.

SM: Yeah, yeah.

Me: Felicity.

SM: It kind of makes you wonder why anyone ever gave him another chance.

Me: Especially when that other chance was Alias.

SM: Ouch.

Me: Yeah, that show did kind of hurt. Except for the underwater rocket boots. Those things kicked ass.

SM: Total ass.

Me: Total.

SM: Yeah.

*Spider-Man and I is a loose concept I came up with a few years ago while sitting in front of my computer at work, bored out of my mind, when I started talking to myself as both, well, myself and, if you haven’t guessed it yet, Spider-Man. I imagined us sitting on a rooftop somewhere and conversing about the mundaneness of life and how I tend to live only in the mundane. These pieces are meant to be pure trials in dialogue, attempting to tell a story through spoken words alone (you know, kind of like a play). I will use as little description of the world around them as possible, to allow the reader to imagine them as they will (hopefully me as a handsome, Zach Braff-type and Spider-Man kind of in a Spider-Man outfit). The dialogue is meant to set a mood, express a feeling, relay a thought through subtlety and sometimes overbearing bruntness. But really, it’s just stupid shit I come up with that I think Spider-man might say and that I might actually say to Spider-Man if he were real and I was sitting next to him on a rooftop (and for those of you who think Spider-Man is real, he totally is).

So, you know, that’s Spider-Man and I. They’re just free form and done quickly, so that’s my escape clause in case they suck ass. And trust me, some of them are going to suck ass (case in point, see above? You be the judge).

Blue Rhino Review

2007-07-07T04:02:45Z

That’s right, you guessed it, I wasted another thirty-some bucks on more shit I’m going to complain about. At least for the most part, that is…

The New Avengers: Illuminati #3 of 5

Wow. Could there be a more irrelevant story out there this month? Seriously, what happens in this issue? Oh, I see, the whole Skrull ship thing. Because that couldn’t have been done in a million other ways in order to lead us all into the realization that The Illuminati pissed off the Skrulls, and that’s why they’ve invaded the Marvel Universe (by the way, the Skrulls have invaded the Marvel Universe).

But a story about the Beyonder? Jim Shooter’s love child? And how dumb he was? Sure, sure, we all know Secret Wars sucked ass. We all know the Beyonder was about as lame a concept as any grown man could come up with (not to mention some five-year olds I can think of (it should be noted here that these are five-years olds I knew when I was five, and stressed that as a thirty year old man I don’t spend a lot of time hanging out with five-year olds)). But it was Jim Shooter’s love child. Jim Shooter people, Jim Shooter. If I wouldn’t have had the Valiant Universe when I was sixteen I never would have gotten around to bitching about comic books fourteen years later.

Seriously, it’s Jim Shooter. Don’t fuck with it.

And if you’re going to fuck with it, do it in a good way.

An Inhuman mutant overly affected by the terrigen mists? Really, that’s what we’re going to go with?

All right, whatever. Do what you will, Bendis, you are God and I am just your humble servant and all that.

But what’s with that ending? After desecrating everything Shooter you’re going to tell us it was all for no reason?

Shame on you.

The Astounding Wolf-Man #1 & 2

Goddam Kirkman. Why do I keep falling for his crap? And crap is giving him some credit.

The Astounding Wolf-Man is anything but astounding. I’d say something like it’s ass-tounding, but that’s just too clichéd. Or simple. Or something. Besides, I kind of already said it, didn’t I?

I remember reading this story once. It was in a notebook scribbled with similar drawings back when I was hanging out with those aforementioned five-year olds. Only it was better back then.

You’re a fucking hack, Kirkman, and one of these days I’ll prove it.

As for the book itself, I can’t even bring myself to talk about it. It’s…it’s…it’s just…it’s just pure…pure crap. It’s ass-tounding (there it is again, what the hell does ass-tounding even mean?).

Y the Last Man #57

I hate to say it, but I totally saw this coming. I’m guessing that everyone reading this book totally saw this coming, too, but I like to pretend to take a little credit for my skills of deduction.

Yet, despite knowing this was coming, the last ten pages of this comic book were still all the more poignant. Full of such emotional charge that I could actually feel the energy coming off the pages as I read them. The raw, emotional discharge of letting everything come out despite the consequences, or possibly as the consequences.

It’s like the end of Closer (the new one, with Jude Law and Natalie Portman), when you know that you’re going to see Natalie Portman’s “name” on the wall, but it’s still hurts just as much as if you wouldn’t have known.

And the funny thing about this book is, despite knowing what would happen in this issue, I still have no idea how it will all end in the next two issues.

Thank you for writing comic books, Brian K. Vaughan, thank you.

Uncanny X-Men #488

I don’t know. The story progresses. I liked your space opera, Brubaker, not to mention everything else you write, but you still have a ways to go on proving yourself in the mainstream Marvel X-Universe.

Fallen Son: Iron Man

I would rather not have read this issue. I guess I would rather not have read this entire series (it’s been utter crap so far, except for a few Hawkeye moments in the third issue, I guess). But I would rather not have read this series because I kind of feel bad bitching about it (despite bitching about it in the past).

Jeph Loeb is a hack writer, in my opinion. I thought The Long Halloween was pretty cool, but that was when I was first getting back into comic books and I didn’t know much better. Plus, I really liked the line “I believe in Harvey Dent”. I repeated it for years afterward. It was a strong line in an otherwise weak book, but that’s the thing about a strong line, sometimes it’s enough to carry the rest of the weight on it’s shoulders.

This issue didn’t really have any of that. Most of Loeb’s writing doesn’t.

But the guy lost his son not so long ago. And no one wants anyone to go through that. And I think this book was a way of him dealing with that through the concept of dealing with the death of Captain America.

So you have to cut the guy some slack.

Which is kind of why I wish I wouldn’t have read it.

Faker #1

It’s Mike Carey, so, you know, it’s got to be good, right? Even if I don’t see why it’s good yet, it’s still gotta be good, right?

Wait for the trade, man.

And that comes from a guy who fucking hates people who wait for the trade. And I don’t mean hate lightly, I mean the purest sense of hate. The bile, at the bottom of your stomach kind of hate. The way most people feel about Rush Hour 2. The way I feel about Dewie, from Malcolm in the Middle (or just the whole show Malcolm in the Middle in general).

Hate, hate, hate.

I mean, seriously, you people are destroying the industry. It’s a serial industry, a monthly industry, a single issue world. Don’t change. I fear change. I hate change.

I will buy Faker issues #1-6, then I will read them all-together and more than likely enjoy them. But for you people that can’t handle the “real” world of comic books, just go buy the trade. Jerks. At least you’ll be buying something.

Action Comics #851

Yawn.

Thor #1

Wow, I’m glad something happened in this issue.

Oh, wait.

Hey, I just remembered something about The Astounding Wolf-Man #2. The Ass-tounding Wolf-Man gets a costume and his vampire buddy (yes, his vampire buddy, who, strangely enough, will become his enemy as is evidenced by the crappy foreshadowing in every panel he’s in (Wolf-Man – “You’ve been training me well, despite my wife having reservations and thinking you’ll turn out bad, but I’m going to say this at least eight more times this issue alone, so, you know…”), anyway, his vampire buddy calls it “iconic”. That’s just wrong. Superman didn’t choose his costume because it was “iconic”. Superman’s costume became iconic by the very nature of Superman, by who he was and what he did, not what he wore.

So Fuck You, Kirkman, Fuck You.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-06-29T20:51:30Z

It’s time for that mad love/hate relationship to bear its fruit once again as I bitch and moan about what I spent thirty of my hard earned dollars on again this week, so, strap in and we’ll be off…

X-men: Endangered Species One Shot

Hm. I’m not really sure what happened here. Honestly, I’m not really sure. I thought there was supposed to be some major event, some polarizing moment that changes the face of status quo in the world of the X-men. Instead, it’s just a mopy funeral issue in which nothing really happens. And I mean nothing really happens. I knew exactly as much going into this issue as I did walking away from it, possibly even more because I was so confused about what the point of it all was. I kept looking for hidden meanings and I kept coming up empty. Why did I spend $3.99 on this again?

That being said, it was an all right story. I’ve had my fill of funeral stories with the X-men, though, and this one didn’t really seem to serve any purpose. It was just some throw-away character I’d never even heard of before (not to belittle the concept of death, but it is a fictional universe and the way the story had been touted it seems like it should have been someone with a little more weight in the X-universe). Carey does a good job of humanizing the characters in the story, but, the only thing is, all of these characters have already been humanized in the way that Carey works them.

Like I said, I already knew everything I walked away from this book with.

Scott Eaton’s art is beautiful, though. It has definitely grown on me, and it works well with this story since it has a much more realistic feel to it than a lot of other x-artists.

I guess I just didn’t get the point of this issue. Why was it a one shot? What purpose did it serve? Why should I care? None of those questions got even the hint of an answer.

X-men #200

Ugh. $3.99 down the tubes again. You owe me eight bucks, Mike Carey.

Marauders. Bleh. Been done, too much if you ask me.

Mystique as the bad guy? Really? You’re going to try that out? What, because it hasn’t been done before a thousand times?

The only interesting part was Gambit and Cable and how they’re connected to all of this. I guess Rogue’s current condition is somewhat interesting, too, but I’m not 100% sold on that one yet. But Gambit, well, poor Gambit has spent his entire lifetime in the X-universe being mishandled by inept writers, and despite my current complaints about Mr. Carey, he is anything but an inept writer. He’s just not a very good superhero writer. But that’s the thing, Gambit has never really been a superhero (nor has Cable, at least not in any of the good stories about him), so I found all of their time together to be enjoyable and entertaining. Plus, those are the sections drawn by one of my all-time favorite artists, the might that is Chris Bachalo.

I think the biggest thing this issue actually suffered from was it’s lack of 200-ishness. The whole industry with it’s “big event” issue numbers (any quarter is a “big event” issue (25, 50,75,100…)), it’s just not worth it. The story felt forced into being more than what it was, and I have a feeling that if we would have hit this issue on a different number it would have flowed a little bit better (and wouldn’t have cost me $3.99, jerks).

The Boys #8

Well, as Garth Ennis continues to “out-Preacher’s Preacher” I find myself just kind of wishing he had just kept it at Preacher.

Is The Boys raunchy beyond all belief? Fuck yeah.

Is the Boys kicking the generic ass of super-heroes everywhere? Sure, I guess.

Is The Boys not afraid to say “Boo”? Um, yeah, but it seems like they enjoy saying “poof” more.

Is there any point to The Boys? Nope. Not a single one. The book is just over the top for the sake of being over the top. There’s no reason. There’s no message here. Well, maybe there is one, but anyone who has read a single issue of Ennis before already knows this. Garth Ennis doesn’t like superheroes. He hates them. He thinks they’re useless, excessive trash that go full throttle just for the sake of going full throttle. Kind of like The Boys. And maybe that’s meant to be the joke. I hope that’s meant to be the joke, but I’m just not sure it is.

If I’m wrong, though, Garth, I’ll buy you a beer sometime.

Thunderbolts #115

This is why I love Warren Ellis. While the rest of the Marvel U pretends that the registration act is all good and pure despite the sacrifices that have to be made, Ellis just sinks his teeth into it and shows us why it’s completely wrong and completely evil. There are no qualms in this book, no wondering if the the ends justify the means.

It’s just wrong, and it’s bad, and it’s eating the soul of everything good.

And the beautiful part is, Ellis does all this through the course of telling a smashing good yarn. His story isn’t filled with rhetoric or exposition. It doesn’t tell you “the registration act is bad because these things will happen”. It just shows you and lets you come to your own conclusions. He trusts that we can figure it out on our own and he doesn’t have to walk us through every painful step along the way to get there (Hello Robert Kirkman).

And do you know what that works? Because he’s a good writer. He’s a great writer. Sure, he writes some pure crap from time to time, but that’s not the case here. His run on the Thunderbolts so far has been pure gold. Pure gold. The fight sequence between The American Eagle and Bullseye is nothing short of brilliant, if not for the simple fact that I actually just wrote “the fight sequence between The American Eagle and Bullseye…”. Come on, people, The American Eagle? Say it with me now, who the fuck is The American Eagle?

That’s right, brilliant.

Ultimate Fantastic Four #43

I don’t know. Maybe Mr. Carey actually owes me another $2.99 this week. I’ll wait and see on this one, though. The whole book is probably worth the last line of dialogue from the surfer.

Now, I’m a big Silver Surfer fan. One of my first comic books ever was an issue of the Silver Surfer (issue #14, where he fights the Skrull pretending to be him, great cover by Mignola). I love the Kirby Surfer and the Mobius Surfer (I know, I know, sacrilege). I thought the Ellis Surfer was pretty cool in the Ultimate Trilogy. I don’t really know what to think of this Surfer, and I’m already two issues into his story. I guess we’ll find out, but I kind of wish I had more bang for my buck, especially after six of them already spent.

Ultimate X-men #83

Bleghhhhh. That was me throwing up on this issue so as to never have to read it again. I suggest you do the same.

Ultimate Spider-Man #110

Bendis has become a poor parody of himself. I found myself thinking several times during this issue about how much better it would be if Brian Michael Bendis were actually writing it, not just some guy rewriting, like, eight issues of Ultimate Spider-Man that have already happened.

Hech. Hech. Hech. That’s me, dry heaving and wishing I hadn’t wasted my whole lunch on Ultimate X-men #83.

The Walking Dead #38

Could this story move any slower? How be any less pointless? It’s like watching Days of Our Lives, but there’s nothing to laugh at (come on, Patch? Really, a guy with an eye-patch named “Patch”? That’s comedy gold, Days of Our Lives, comedy gold…).

In yet another poorly written addition to the Walking Dead cannon, we learn more about the characters we’ve grown so close to through forced dialogue and uncomfortable and highly unrealistic situations.

Kirkman is like that six-year old kid still trying to slam a square peg into a round hole and his parents (that’d be you, the adoring audience) just finds it so cute that you praise him instead of realizing how mind-numbingly depressing the whole thing actually is.

I’d challenge you to a fight, Kirkman, but I’d really just prefer if you wrote something worth reading.

Silver Surfer: Requiem #2

Hold on, I’m eating a turkey sandwich right now so I can make my “commentary” on this piece of work.

Criminal #7

Finally, a book worth reading.

The book, flawless as it may be, is topped off by a wonderful essay by the ever-impressive Stephen Grant at the end, where he delves into what “noir” really is versus what everyone tends to think it is.

Ed Brubaker is a “crime noir” writer, through and through. Criminal reads less like a comic book and more like life gone wrong. It’s all of the best moments in any crime mystery movie or book you’ve ever read, all there in front of you. After reading 22 pages you feel like you’ve read 200. Not a single page is wasted, not a single panel, not a single syllable.

It makes my head feel like exploding just thinking about it.

X-factor #20

I’ve been hearing so many good things about this book, and with this issue being listed as a good “jumping on point”, thought I’d give it a shot. I’m just going to let you guess the rest.

Crossing Midnight #8

Finally, Mr. Carey, your true calling. What you should be doing all of the time. Fantasy. Mythology. Mysticism. These are the things that make your world go round, and go round it does.

This book is beautiful. Wonderful. Intriguing. It doesn’t tell me what’s happening without letting me feel lost along the way. I get the general picture, the general idea, the general grasp of things, but it’s still all one big mystery just waiting to play itself out.

And to steal a line from George Michael (the kid in “Arrested Development”, not the “singer”), “I’m just loving the ride, you know.”

Well, that’s all for this week. Another 40$ I’ll never see again (not to mention a couple of lunches). See you again next week. Or maybe the week after. Whatever.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-06-14T00:39:09Z

It’s that time again. Time for me to hate on some more comic books despite spending a small fortune on them each and every year. Let’s start the ball rolling with…

New Avengers #31

Now, Rich Johnston reported that the shocker at the end of this issue might almost be as big as the death of Captain America, and warned his faithful readers to be prepared to grab their copies before they fly off the shelves. So, loyally, I did just that. And do you want to know what happened? Do you really want to know?

It turns out Elektra, who has been acting very un-Elektra like in the past few issues of New Avengers (which, arguably, have been the worst comics of the year if not the entire fucking century so far), well, it turns out that she was acting all un-Elektra-like because she was really…a skrull! Wait, what? A Skrull? Really? That’s all? Yank yank, my friend, yank yank.

This is the grand conspiracy that I’ve waited some 31 issues to finally have revealed? That the Skrulls are back and replacing people. You know like in They Live. And DS9. And the Ultimates. And a million other fucking stories.

Wait, though, that’s not all. Hold your horses. Also, it appears, the baby daughter of Luke Cage and Jessica Jones is…gasp…a mutant! You know, because her parents are mutants, too, and we’ve never seen mutant parents give birth to a…gasp…mutant child. But wait, it’s supposed to be shocking because it would be the…gasp…first mutant birth since The Scarlet Witch said “No…More…Mutants” which really just meant “a…lot…less…mutants” despite her not actually saying that.

So now we have a new mutant birth. Double Yank.

You know what? Fuck the New Avengers.

Superpatriot: War on Terror #4

You blow, Robert Kirkman. You blow hard. And that’s all I really have to say about this book.

Other than if I ever see you, Kirkman, I’m taking my $2.99 back from you with my foot.

World War Hulk #1

Wow. I can’t even begin to describe the continuity gaps running rampant through this storyline, mostly because they’re so littered throughout that I can’t even figure out what the hell is going on.

She-Hulk works for SHIELD. She-Hulk quits SHIELD, gets depowered, gets repowered, hates Tony Stark for throwing her cousin into space, then helps Tony Stark to stop her cousin. It’s like each issue that comes out just rewrites everything that’s come before.

It sucks so much that it’s like Robert Fucking Kirkman’s writing it.

Oh, and he beats the shit out of Black Bolt, which, granted, has been a long time coming, but really? The Hulk beat up Black Bolt? The Hulk? I mean, how’s Black Bolt ever going to get laid at a party again with that kinda notch on his belt. Ouch.

Tank Girl: The Gifting #1

Finally, a good fucking comic book. Tank Girl, the heroine of irreverancy. Alan Martin gives me the kind of stories that just put a smile on my lips and bad, anarchic thoughts in my head. Tank Girl is punk rock, if for no other reason than she has never claimed to be any such thing. She is purity and freedom and guns and attitude and she is beautiful.

Not to mention Ashley Wood, who manages to make her even more beautiful than I ever thought possible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to put down the amazing talent that is Jamie Hewlitt, but if anyone can take on my favorite anti-anti-heroine, it is the ever-talented Ashley Wood.

Fuck normal. Fuck the rules. Fuck continuity (but, you know, in a good way). Fuck everything. It’s Tank Girl, and she’ll blow your mind.

Fear Agent: The Last Goodbye #1

Unlike The Colbert Report, I think I’m missing the joke here. Please, please, please let there be a joke here.

New Warriors #1

What’s an issue of New Warriors without the Night Thrasher? Apparently well-written and interesting. I kept trying to figure out what stunk so much about this first issue until I got to the dead fish on the last page. Coler me un-impressed and yet another $2.99 closer to bankruptcy.

The New Warriors, though, does kind of bring me to a point about the Marvel Universe as a whole and how this whole Civil War thing has panned out. It’s fucking boring. That’s how it’s panned out. I get it. Tony Stark is a bastard. He eats babies at night and spits on your Big Macs when you’re not looking. He even laughs menacingly while doing it. Blah blah blah. Yank yank yank.

How many books am I going to read where the “heroes” are standing up to the man and still doing their thing? And then how many am I going to read where the other “heroes” are still fighting the good fight despite selling out. I get it. Some people like old U2 when they were still innovative and fresh. Other people like the new U2, processed and perfected. I still think they’ve always been blowholes.

Joe Quesada. Mark Millar. Brian Michael Bendis. The men who saved my childhood from extinction by bringing Marvel back from the brink have subsequently destroyed everything I hold dear. And they made it that much worse, because for a while there I had it back. It was mine again. Then they cruelly ripped it out of my hands and wrote terrible stories about it.

What a bunch of jerks.

But if you’re hiring, I’d totally be into writing a book for you guys. I can sell out and fall in line, lickety-split.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-04-03T05:41:56Z

It’s everybody’s favorite day of the week again…today! And it’s time for more comic book reviews…

100 Bullets #82

Only 18 issues to go and I’m totally fucking lost. Totally fucking lost. But the thing is, I’m still loving the ride. This issue marks what’s become a standard for this series, namely that it makes absolutely no sense on its own. Brian Azzarello has forgone any attempt at serial writing and just stuck us with a story that will hopefully deliver on its promise. I want Dashiel Hammet. I want The Maltese Falcon. I want 100 Bullets. And that’s exactly what I’m getting.

Godland #17

I have to say, the three, uh, entities have really grown on me. Ed in particular. Maybe it’s my predilection for the name Ed (I seriously thought about changing my first name to Ed when I turned 18, a turn of events that didn’t take place basically because a young Peter Martin called me up on my first day at college, and he already knew me as Jeremy, so…). Whatever it is, I’m loving these three. They fucking crack me up. Constantly.

I love you, Joe Casey. And I mean that in a strictly heterosexual way. But I’d still sleep with you, man.

Spawn #166

So, it’s Spawn. The tumor expelled from Todd McFarlane’s brain some twelve years ago.

And it sucks.

Maybe I’m not goth enough. Maybe I don’t wear pasty make-up and black trench coats (by the way, nobody should wear trench coats, but that’s another point all-together). Maybe I just like a decent story. Shit, a decent concept.

So, that being said, I’ve heard good things about what David Hine is doing with this book. Apparently, they were lying. It’s generic. It’s boring. It’s crap.

Spawn got tired of God and the Devil and decided to recreate the world without them. Blah Blah Blah.

Give me preacher. Give me Lucifer. Give me Mephisto vs. The X-men, for Christ’s sake. Don’t give me this shit.

Fuck David Hine. He’s not a good writer.

Fuck Spawn. He’s not a good creation.

And Fuck Todd McFarlane. You’re Amazing Spider-man run, and subsequent Spider-man run, might have been awesome (as well as your hulk run), but that doesn’t give you the right to dump this shit upon my world. That’s right, I’m taking a stand. Fuck your shit. Get the hell out of here.

That being said, I’ll probably end up buying #167. Why? Because I’m a fucking idiot.

And that’s that for this week. I’m poor, I don’t have a job (or at least a real job), and I think I’m hearing the voice of a French astronaut talking to me in the wee hours of the morning, which makes me certifiable since everyone knows the French could never make it into space. That’s why you’re only getting four reviews this week. That’s all I’ve got.

Fuck.

Blue Rhino Review

2007-03-26T21:11:17Z

It’s time for everyone’s favorite comic book review once again…

Y The Last Man #55

Well, it’s here. The end approaches. The final story arc begins. I have to say, I’m kind of ready for it. I was a huge fan of Y in the first years, but I’ve lost some interest during the latter half of the series. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still some good comic book, but it’s just not as tight as it used to be. It’s almost felt like it’s lost direction over the last year or two, although at the same time I can’t think of a single issue that could be removed from the tapestry without injuring the whole in some way.

This is the classic set-up issue, as many of our main cast are set in place for the big finale, the culmination of five years in our lives and Yorick Brown’s is coming to a close, and everyone wants to be there to say goodbye. I have to say, my favorite character of this series is Hero (and I do quite enjoy her current band of teammates). I’ve enjoyed the evolution of her character more than anyone elses, particularly the play on her name and how it is so intricately woven into her story (her full name is Heroic).

Although this issue lacked in any real substance, it’s a great stop-gap for what is to come, and I can’t wait to see where that is.

The Walking Dead #36

I’ve read a lot of great reviews for this issue (and this book in general), but color me unimpressed. Maybe it’s because I just don’t like Rick as a character. I don’t mean not like him in the sense that he’s interesting or well-written but just not likeable. No, I mean I think he’s a bad character. I don’t think he’s well-written. I don’t think he’s been at all consistent. I think he’s a plot device that Kirkman uses to tell his story, and that Rick often suffers because of this.

In fact, I think all of Kirkman’s characters are plot devices. There’s no substance to any of them.

But people have been talking about Rick’s decision in this issue (much like Michonne’s decision in #33), and it just doesn’t flow with me. It flows with the story, it just doesn’t flow with me. Or Rick, for that matter.

That being said, this book has finally hooked me. Part of the hook is that I find it so bad, but part of the hook is also that I want to know what’s going to happen next. Don’t get me wrong, Kirkman is a terrible writer, but he’s got good ideas. I like where he’s going with the story, even if I don’t like the way he’s writing it. I’m compelled to check in with the inmates of the dead each month and see what new menace that jerk has thrown at them, and how he manipulates them into solving said dilemna.

Plus, Charlie Adlard’s fast becoming one of my favorite pencilers and Cliff Rathbun’s work on the covers (both back and front, the front being penciled by Adlard and the back entirely by Rathbun) are probably my favorite parts of the book.

Hellblazer #230

Ahhh, Andy Diggle, where have you been all of John Constantine’s life.

I’ll start by saying I’m one of the few who have enjoyed this entire series through and through. I’ve heard the complaints about Azzarello’s run, and I can see their merit, as well as Ennis, Ellis and Carey’s runs. John’s been through the ringer for the better part of a decade (and really for his entire life, but creatively speaking it’s been about a decade), and it took Andy Diggle to bring him back home for me.

I had forgotten how much I missed this John.

X-Men #197

I’ve been struggling with this title. I’m a huge Mike Carey fan. Lucifer, as you well know, just might be the best comic book ever published. He managed to do what Gaiman did with Sandman all over again, in a completely original and unique way.

But now he’s on a mainstream title, with a mainstream team that’s been around forever. What does he do?

At first I wasn’t really sure where he was going. I liked that Bachalo was doing the art (and he’s back again with this issue), but the story kept losing me. I couldn’t figure out what was happening or why.

But now it’s all come together. Issue #197 brings it all home, and not in a way where it ties up plot threads or anything like that. It’s just the first time that I’ve realized what he’s trying to do, with a small glimpse of why.

Plus, the issue is just good. Really good. Really, really good. It’s back to the character interaction that I so loved in Lucifer, and unlike Kirkman, Carey manages to stay true to form on all of his players (even more impressive than Kirkman since they aren’t Carey’s creations even and he can still get them right).

I don’t know about you, but I love Cable nowadays (although you’ll never see me reading Cable and Deadpool, fuck you Nicienzia). I’ve loved him ever since he fulfilled his stupid “destiny” and finally came out and into his own (fuck you, Leifeld). And this issue, above all else, really lets Cable shine, and shine he does.

Well, that’s it for this week. Tune in next time for even more banality.

Things to do on Tuesday, March 13th

2007-03-09T21:51:31Z

I'm not sure what you're up to on Tuesday next week (personally, I'm
going to be checking out NCIS), but here are some options for you:

1. Order Domino's Two for Tuesday pizza special and suffer the
liberal guilt of Thomas Monaghan's pro-life views being supported by
your $10 purchase.

2. Catch a new episdoe of the aformentioned NCIS, a thrilling
edge-of-your-seat drama about Navy Investigators, the likes of which
haven't been seen since the heyday of the hit shot JAG. Plus, it's
got Mark Harmon. Summer School's back in session, kids.

3. Sit alone, at home, thinking to yourself "it's only three days
until Premonition starring Sandra Bullock comes out, it's only three
days until Premonition starring Sandra Bullock comes out, it's only
three days until Premonition...".

4. Tivo the twice aformentioned NCIS and watch Gilmore Girls, then watch NCIS.

5. Watch American Idol. I guess. If you're a freak.

6. Mix and match items 1 through 5, in potentially dangerous combinations.

7. Come celebrate my 30th birthday. It'll be festive. But if you do
come, don't forget to tivo NCIS. Here's the details:

Drinks at Lurcat from 7-8:30pm (it's the old Loring, down on the south
side of downtown Minneapolis, and it's fancy).

The 400 Bar from 8pm-??

Here's the schedule at the 400:

9pm: short reading by me

9:30pm: Michael Morris

10:30pm: The Pines

11:30pm: Beau Kinstler

5$ cover

Be there or be square. Or possibly rectangular.